Marriage crisis: keys to overcome it
General Discussion,

The reasons why we reach a marriage crisis are very varied.  Sometimes the couple reaches a point where the coexistence is unbearable, riddled with arguments, but other times we do not know what happens to us, apparently there is no serious problem in the couple, but we do not feel completely satisfied and doubts arise about the relationship. How to be happy as a couple should be the prime concern.

In the first case, the most appropriate is to carry out couple’s therapy, however, in the second, the most appropriate is to carry out individual therapy to clarify our emotions and be able to decide where we are going.

When we are immersed in a marriage crisis, confrontations and differences arise. "It is no longer what it was before", "I do not know what happens to me with my partner", "Will I be falling out of love?" a person who has doubts about the couple.

If the doubts get bigger and bigger and overcoming the marriage crisis is not a priority, the union faces a serious risk of dissolving.

Why do a couple of doubts arise?

• A bad streak of negativity. Sometimes doubts arise as a result of a losing streak. When you are going through particularly tense moments, whether due to problems at work or with the family, these generate a state marked by exhaustion and fatigue so that the small mistakes that the couple makes are perceived as unbearable failures.

When one enters a phase of negativity, one tends to exaggerate the "defects" of the other or focus attention only on them, forgetting the positive aspects. The couple becomes a "scapegoat" and a series of doubts appear since the other is perceived as guilty of everything that happens.

Most of the time people are not aware of this situation, so it extends over time, increasing its scope more and more so that a small problem becomes a full-blown conflict until it is resolved ends up seeing the relationship as an obstacle to happiness.

• Problems unsatisfactorily resolved. Throughout life as a couple, there are periods of calm but there are also particularly difficult situations, challenges that endanger the relationship. In these situations each person has an expectation about the other, expects that the latter behaves in a certain way. For example, faced with the loss of a job, the person can expect the other to support and understand him, but if he receives reproaches and criticism instead, he may begin to have doubts about the relationship.

When problems, whether serious or small, are not resolved or solved but do not meet the expectations of one of the members of the couple, this usually raises doubts about the level of commitment of the other person and the intensity or veracity of the feelings that you profess.

However, the fact that the other person has not met your expectations does not mean that they do not love you or that they are not involved in the relationship. Tension, lack of experience, or just confusion may have played a trick on you. In that case, if you don't talk to your partner about that dissatisfaction and don't look for its causes, it can continue to grow until doubts lead to separation.

• Changes in wishes, needs, and/or aspirations. There are occasions when doubts appear without their having been particularly serious previous problems. In fact, doubts about the relationship do not only appear in the most recent couples but even in those who have been together for a few years.

When delving into these cases, it is common to find that the origin of the doubts lies in a change in the wishes, needs, and/or expectations of its members. Over time, people change, often without realizing it, until a point comes when, if the relationship has not been able to adapt to these transformations, it is no longer satisfactory.

Then doubts arise, especially when looking at the future and realizing that the path through which the relationship takes place is not the most satisfactory. At this point, the person wonders if the relationship makes sense or if it is worth saving.

• Fear of the future. There are times when doubts about the couple are the expression of a personal fear that is not immediately recognized but is channeled through a diffuse uncertainty about the future of the relationship.

For example, a person afraid of commitment may begin to feel self-doubt as the relationship progresses. Fear of failure, perhaps due to a previous failed experience, can also generate insecurity and doubts. However, there are many other reasons, such as the fear of surrendering and not being fully reciprocated the fear of disappointing others, or even not knowing how to maintain a home.

When the person does not recognize that the doubts are generated by their own fears and insecurities, they can project them onto the other and if they cannot exorcise them, they come to boycott the relationship and end up damaging it.

• OCD of loves. There is a little-known type of obsessive disorder, OCD of loves, which can be the cause of doubts in the couple. People who suffer from OCD of love are obsessed with not knowing if they love their partner. Any stimulus, like a song or a movie, can trigger an obsession by comparing your partner or what they feel with the idealized idea of ​​what a relationship should be or what they should feel.

Three indispensable keys to overcoming a marriage crisis

There is a point where marriages and couples wonder if it is really worth continuing or if it is better to end the relationship. However, it is important to keep in mind that in times of crisis we are usually very upset, so it is not easy to make a good decision. For this reason, it is important to carefully evaluate the decision and, if necessary, use a therapist who can help you glimpse the future more clearly.

In general, to overcome a couple of crises it is necessary to have:

1. Love is not a magic wand and cannot erase mistakes and misfortunes at a stroke, but it is the basis of any relationship. When the two people continue to love each other, feel attracted to each other, and love each other, there is a good chance that they can overcome a marriage crisis, as they will be willing to make more mutual sacrifices. Therefore, it is important to delve into the reasons that keep the relationship afloat: are you together only for the children, for mere routine, because there is an emotional or economic dependency or because you really love each other? Unfortunately, it is not always easy to separate love from other feelings, such as affection, friendship, or compassion.
2. To overcome a marriage crisis it is essential that there is a commitment to change. The problems in the couple are a thing of two. So, when only one carries the weight of the relationship, the most usual thing is that they end up overwhelmed and disappointed. Therefore, it is essential that both people commit to the relationship and are willing to fight to save it, which both maintain common goals and interests. Ask yourself: do you keep looking in the same direction? Are you interested in maintaining the commitment that this relationship represents? Do you trust each other?
3. Crises always involve change, so it is essential that both people are flexible enough to accept that transformations are necessary. When one of the two becomes stiff and remains tied to old patterns of behavior, it is practically impossible to overcome the marriage crisis. Ask yourself: To what extent would you be willing to change to save the relationship? How much would you be willing to sacrifice for the other person? Would you feel comfortable with those changes?

Sometimes the marriage crisis reaches an unsustainable point, especially when we have let time pass without taking action. Other times, although we have done our part, we did not manage to solve the situation. At this time, the professional help of a couple’s therapist is essential.

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