Choosing a life partner: 5 things to consider
General Discussion,

Why do we fail so much when choosing a life partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?

There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from the emotion and impulsiveness of falling in love but also from rationality and lucidity.

The problem is not that love is predestined to failure: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.

Wrong love choices

The problem comes when we rush to choose a partner, either because we do not want or know how to be alone and we throw ourselves into the arms of the first who provides us with care, either because we do not love each other, and we need someone else to replace our lack of self - esteem with their care and affection, or because they blind us to certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing the whole of their personality.

Looking for a protective figure

If we are related from the lack, it is probable that we look for in the partner (unconsciously) a substitute for our father/mother, a nurse, a psychologist, or someone who fulfills all these roles at the same time.

This will cause the relationship to become unbalanced right away, our demands to grow and our needs to never be satisfied, the other person to be exhausted and the relationship to eventually lead to unhappiness, hatred, or breakup.

Therefore, the main step that we always forget is learning to be alone with ourselves.

To be complete people, to deal with our shortcomings, to establish clear life goals, to manage our emotions, to tolerate frustration and fear of failure, to self-care for ourselves, and to love ourselves as the unique and unrepeatable people that we are ... all these factors will allow our emotional life to be healthier and beneficial for everyone.

Mini-guide on choosing a partner

Once we have done this task of introspection and personal work, we will be (relatively) prepared to start a love relationship.

What filters can we use when choosing the person with whom to start a relationship? 

1. Remember our failed relationships 

Preventing the “ex” from being presented to us in another person's body is necessary since we tend to always choose the same type of partners, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and end up in conflict always for the same reasons. 

Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have in order not to end as badly.

2. Find common ground

Observe and identify the values, beliefs, and life expectations of the other person and assess if they objectively fit with yours.

If for example, you do not want to have children and enter into a relationship with a woman who is wanting to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated that will lead to either ending the relationship, or giving up one of the members to their life plan, what It will generate anger, rage, frustration, and dissatisfaction.

3. Examine the conversation

One of the most enriching experiences of being with a partner is to open up to the other person and be able to share emotions, concerns, and feelings through the word.

When there is no fluent conversation, boredom and dissatisfaction are likely to come quickly. 

4. Look at the sense of humor

Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn't make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a certain sense of humor and be able to have fun together.

5. Same degree of commitment in the relationship

Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, the important thing is that both members agree with the degree of exclusivity by which they want to build their relationship.

Even following these guidelines, can the relationship "fail"?

Of course. First of all, we have to free ourselves from the idea of ​​the couple as something eternal, from the "forever", since within the uncertainty that a relationship supposes, everything can happen.

It is therefore important to continue building our lives beyond the couple, making it an important part of our life, but not a whole, eliminating phrases such as “you are my life”, “I cannot live without you”, “ always yours ”more typical of emotional and affective dependence than love.